Pandagon's 20 Most Annoying Conservatives of 2003

Here are three:

#14. David Limbaugh

Oh, David. David, David, David. My name is Jesse. In the Bible, I'd be your daddy. In real life...I am your daddy. Only figuratively, of course. Back up out my business, son.

David has had two accomplishments this year: steadfastly avoiding his brother's drug use, and writing Persecution, the conservative answer to the steady drumbeat of anti-religious liberals, such as some town council in California and, if you squint really, really hard, Bill Clinton. See, Christians are being persecuted en masse for their beliefs (he even goes so far as to have a lion on the cover, as if secular humanists are the new Imperial Rome), so much so to the point that kids who pray in school are being punished for not handing in their homework!

Somehow, he manages to write an entire book full of such arguments, still firmly convinced that in the stillness of the night, he doesn't know who will come for him first - Jesus Christ, the Lord our God for His Earthly Rapture, or the ACLUNAACP stormtroopers. It's a scary time he lives in. The rest of us are drinking every time that creepy lady on the Jack Van Impe show sounds like a phone sex operator and getting TORE UP.

#2. Roy Moore

A random factoid: did you know that Roy Moore put the Ten Commandments in front of that Alabama state courthouse to keep from embarrassing himself at pub trivia? It’s true. Back in late 1999, Moore was at a local steakhouse, playing for a free t-shirt and a keg of Coors Light. The final question came down to who could list the Ten Commandments the fastest. His list:

After such a shameful debacle, including a potential excommunication from the steakhouse, Moore decided to never again be left in the Ten Commandments lurch. And what better way to remind oneself of these Commandments than a several hundred pound rock monument in front of a government building? I once did it myself to remember the parts of a cell in high school biology, and neither I nor the Post Office has forgotten them since.

Problem is, as Roy Moore, the Confederate loons who support him, the Alabama Supreme Court and a very special dog named Persistence found out, that’s a wee bit unconstitutional. It’s something you’d think a judge would know. Anyway, fast forward a few months, and Moore’s in trouble. He’s in the middle of a national firestorm for putting the monument up...

After shipping in thousands of devoted supporters, many of whom had as many as five pieces of clothing without the Confederate flag on them, Roy Moore made his final stand. And lost. Miserably. The entire nation stood up and took notice as his gigantic, fantastic rock made its fateful journey from the steps of the state courthouse to the magical land of Somewhere That Isn’t Taxpayer Funded, he was stripped of his judgeship, and the buses and RVs and cars and trucks were packed up as the thousands of people who came out to support him and/or protest against the North, homosexuals, the NAACP, Communists, the ACLU, and the Democratic Party went back home.

Said the groundskeeper for the Supreme Court building, Ty Miller, “How many fucking logical leaps do you have to make to get from the Ten Commandments to the Civil War?” He then sighed, picked up a “Support the Troops!” sign, and dumped it in the back of his 1979 Ford truck.

And...


Bill O’Reilly had a hard time getting on this list. I mean, if you take away the “wetback” commentary, and the “joke” that a black boys choir was out in the parking lot stealing hubcaps, and the lawsuit against Al Franken, and the embarassing performance at the C-SPAN Book News conference, and the threatening to beat up the son of a 9/11 victim, and the lying about where he grew up, and the whole Peabody Awards thing, and the false “Fair and Balanced” promise, and the fact that he’s a grade-A asshole that most conservatives don’t like, and the insistence that anyone who doesn’t appear on his show is afraid of him, and the faux-everyman demeanor, and the continuing jihads against Jesse Jackson, rap music, George Clooney, Al Franken, the United Way, Europe, Hollywood, Bill Moyers, the entire American left, Canada and PepsiCola, AND that he lies constantly about being a conservative...

...well, he still belongs on the list, actually.

Bill O’Reilly’s ego is the Hindenburg, the Titanic, and Michael Jackson’s last album all wrapped up in one - far larger than it has any right to be, and destined to crash on a historic level. If you don’t do an interview on the Factor, you’re virtually opting out of the American discourse altogether. I’m pretty sure that he calls his penis the “Little Emperor”. He just seems like the type, doesn’t he?

O’Reilly’s forte is that of the assholius professionarius. He is the Wile E. Coyote to the rest of the world’s Road Runner, except that about 60% of the time, the Road Runner is on a different highway altogether. In those situations, he just bitches about how the Road Runner is ducking him and how if he’s morally serious about running roads, he’ll come on the Wile E. Factor and face him like a man. Otherwise, he will have lost all credibility on America’s interstate highway system.

Oh, and he’s not singling out the Road Runner. He lives in the No-Spin Zone. He attacks coyotes when they speed down his stretch of the highway, too. Stop trying to change the subject!

For this, and for so much more, he is the Most Annoying Conservative of 2003. Congratulations, Bill.

(I have linked the video of O'Reilly getting out of control with the 9/11 victim's son on my website here.)

And, if you have any college-age conservatives in your midst, you'll enjoy #13.



Oh, and just in case you didn't know...

Ann Coulter hates you. And she’s proud to admit it. Oh, and she hates Japanese people, who she called “savage oriental beasts”. And Arabs, who are “smelly”. Coulter’s world isn’t black and white – it’s white and fuck you.

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