Maybe the Queen won't be at the tea party

It may be just Tony and Georgie. But they probably don't want her there to spoil their big boy war fun anyway.

"For the British trip, too, there are plans afoot to find a way to allow [Bush] to show a softer side," said the former official. "So that he doesn't come across like some cowboy crazy man. For instance, there's going to be a high-profile discussion of HIV/Aids - to show him in a gentler light."

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Vomitorium anyone?

Overshadowed by the bloody aftermath to the Iraq war and the coalition's failure to find Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, the dream visit has turned into a transatlantic nightmare. A trip intended to celebrate the "special relationship" between Tony Blair and Mr Bush has become a frantic exercise in crisis management.

I keep wondering about this "special relationship" everybody talks about. I know what that means. Why do they keep putting it in quotes?

Back in July 2002, a royal invitation to the Bush White House seemed to be a very good idea indeed, particularly to Mr Blair....What ought have been a straightforward celebratory visit has become fraught with tension..."Let's just say it's not a good time to be doing this," said the American diplomat.

In characteristic English understatement.

What a difference a year makes.

In the wake of the war, one poll last week found that 60 per cent of respondents believed that Mr Blair's cosiness with Mr Bush is a bad thing for Britain. The days when Mr Bush could make a joke about the two leaders using the same toothpaste, as he did in April 2002, are long gone.

He said what? I missed that. "Special relationship", indeed.

I wonder if that HIV/Aids discussion is going to bring this toothpaste sharing thing up.

"He makes decisions based on what he thinks is right. I'm really looking forward to spending time with my friend - and I emphasise my friend - Tony Blair."

Emphasis George's.

Black humour has already set in. "Maybe they'll just keep the lights off and pretend they're not home," joked another White House aide. And when one American official was asked where the Bush entourage would be landing, it is said he replied: "Heathrow... if it's big enough."

The man is a frigging joke. Everywhere. The stupid, vain little emporer of the children's stories. Like I've said before, Miss Laura's first priority in reading ought to be to her illiterate, repugnant husband. The Oaf of Office. (Thanks, Maru.)

But then, she's just as stupid, isn't she?

Laura Bush, the US First Lady, is being diplomatic. In an interview for ITV scheduled for broadcast today, she says: "I think it's [the British monarchy] a fairytale to the United States. Americans have always been fascinated by the monarchy and certainly the British monarchy. I'm really looking forward to staying in Buckingham Palace. It's a huge thrill, it really is."

Diplomatic? What's diplomatic about that? It's drooling over a monarchy. Yo! Bush family! Our ancestors (at least mine did) came over here to get away from that. Where have you been?

The Bushes should be staying on the ground floor of the Palace, in the Belgian suite, close to the indoor pool. The last time Mr Bush dined with the Queen - in 1992 at his father's White House, wearing cowboy boots emblazoned with God Save the Queen - he asked if she had any black sheep in her family.

"Don't answer that!" his mother, Barbara, interjected, trying to avoid embarrassment.

Holy crap! And cowboy boots emblazoned with God Save the Queen?!?

Oh. my. god.

Vomitorium! Quick!

At Buckingham Palace there is bewilderment and some resentment at the sheer scale of American security requests for the duration of Mr Bush's stay...."They wanted blast- and bullet-proofed windows," one senior courtier told the Telegraph. "They wanted strengthened curtains and strengthening to the walls of the President's suite and the other rooms that he would be spending time in during his two-day stay."

The proposal, which would have meant substantial building alterations, was firmly turned down by the Queen.

Liz is obviously not as enamored of Georgie as he is of her. Or of himself.

Buckingham Palace security pass-holders are being ordered to go through bomb checks for the first time. Some Palace staff who have had security clearance for 30 years are undergoing positive vetting again.

"The Queen will not have to wear a security badge. I think we know what she looks like," said one Palace official. "But it is getting to that level. It is quite ridiculous."

"The President's men seem obsessed with the idea of an airborne attack on the Palace," said another courtier. "Her Majesty takes the view that no amount of strengthening of windows and walls could protect the President in such an eventuality. Other political leaders have stayed at the Palace at difficult times in their careers but have not made such demands."

Do you think they might be obsessed because they know of a plan? Nah. Not possible. Sorry I brought it up. That was ugly.

[T]he White House also desired a Black Hawk helicopter, capable of ferocious firepower, to hover continuously over the Palace. According to the security men, a Black Hawk would be invaluable in the event of a rocket-propelled grenade attack.

Even exactly what type of attack it will be?

The deteriorating relationship between the Palace and the President's security men has infuriated the Queen. When it is all over, a mighty row with the Prime Minister is on the cards.

Georgie and Tony are like two idiot juveniles, and the Queen, quite frankly, has no power. So there.

And it's not just the two of them...

Last Wednesday evening in Washington, the "special relationship" between the US and the United Kingdom was being feted yet again, this time by Jack Straw. The Foreign Secretary flew over for an award ceremony that honoured his American counterpart, Colin Powell, who will also be in London next week.

In a short speech, Mr Straw described Mr Powell as "the wisest man I know", and told his audience that their contact was so frequent that his wife, Alice, called the Secretary of State "the other man in my life".

For crying out loud. Don't they just blow the smoke up each other's - you knows. (There's that "special relationship" again.) I'm expecting this visit, complete with entourage, to be something on the order of a Fellini movie about Caligula.

Bush may have to exert some "pressure" on his "special friend", if the reports are correct:

In the wake of a damning report by the International Atomic Energy Authority, which stated that Iran had been secretly enriching uranium for 18 years, senior members of the Bush administration have called for UN sanctions against Teheran. Mr Blair has no desire to go down the UN Security Council route again, in pursuit of a second member of the President's "axis of evil".

...In Trafalgar Square, an estimated 100,000 protesters will attempt to confront the so-called "toxic Texan" on Thursday, albeit at a distance. The Islamic Society of Britain has spent a week preparing papier-mache mock statues of the Queen's guest, ready to be toppled, designed to echo the fall of Saddam's statue in the spring.

...At least Westminster will do its best to carry on regardless. Michael Howard and Charles Kennedy have separate meetings with the President in a Palace suite on Wednesday morning, immediately before Prime Minister's Questions, assuming they get past up to 250 secret servicemen.

Please don't let him come back from across the pond. Please, please, please, please don't let him come back.

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Epilogue:

...In fact, Mr Clinton may be to blame for the whole affair. Before the war in Iraq, he told Mr Blair to "stay close to Bush - don't let him escape".

You've been waiting so patiently for that, I couldn't keep it from you - Clinton's fault.